Alright well here’s a funny story. Not as funny as the above picture, which again could be a contender on Awkward Animal Portraits, sister-site to the Awkward Family Photos. But anywho, I spent a good portion of my Saturday perusing around Lone Pine (both a retirement community and a koala sanctuary, or as they call it in Australian a retirement community and a koala sanctuary). Jokes, there actually were no old people there, just 1/6 of the Asian population. But really Lone Pine sounds more like a trailer park or sleep away camp than any place that houses some of the most immobile creatures you will ever encounter - oh wait, breaking news coming in, I take that back, “meth heads and fat people” live in trailer parks. Ok, good to know. (I literally found that on a website). But back to my story: So one of the fantastic things about Lone Pine, is that for a cheap price of $16AU, you can hold a furry little nugget koala bear for a good 2.5 seconds. That’s less time than it took you to read this sentence. After waiting in line behind some Asians wearing SARS masks (ok can we quickly clarify? are you deathly ill or is this a fashion statement? I suppose there is no right answer here because either way you are seriously terrifying me), I finally made my way up to the koalas. The worker-lady called me over to stand next to her and I opened wide and prepared to put this big-balled little bundle up against me (pervert, they make you open your arms so the koala can latch on, geez louizz). Clearly I was excited, they are just so furry and cute, but you know what I didn’t expect? The koala to be a moody little mother******. For every other Asian tourist, the koala just latches on to their bossom. But no, not me. Mr. Koala is satisfied gropping everyone else’s boobs, but not Allie Rothschild’s boobs. Well after a couple tries of the worker trying to suction the koala to my chest and the koala literally kicking away from me in disgust (please stop here and compose a vivid mental image, please), I said very emotionlessly “Well, I guess he hates me?” CLEARLY, I WAS KIDDING. AS AN INTELLIGENT BEING, I RATIONALLY UNDERSTAND THAT A KOALA I MET 2.5 SECONDS AGO WOULD BE UNABLE TO DECIDE IF IT LOVED OR HATED ME. It would need at least 20 seconds to make that decision, or approximately $128. However, the worker seemed to get very distraught about my comment and spent approximately $384 of time telling me that she was sure the koala didn’t “hate me”, that it was probably just “hungry”, how would I like it if I was passed around between people for an hour straight. To which I answered, “Well, if it was anything like Thursday night…”. Jk, I’m not that ballsy (though the koala in my previous post might have been). So after some more awkward attempts of the koala refusing to attach to my breasts, they decided they needed to bring in the backup, legitimately they had to leave and find a new koala bear. Everything’s all fun and games, until I step up to the plate and strike out with a koala bear. Like really, a koala bear? Well, the backup seemed a little friendlier, though the digging of its claws into my arm/shoulder region made me think it was trying to convey a “Fuck you, I was sleeping” message, to which I responded, “Fuck you, you sleep 23 hours a day”, to which it then said “Touche” in the cutest little koala accent. And then after that unnecessarily uncomfortable scene I caused , I once again look deranged in my picture. So good job me, I’ve managed to do it again. The only silver lining I could manage to extract was maybe it’s a good thing my upper body is not easily confused with a eucalyptus tree. Amiright?
In case that story wasn’t as funny as planned, I’ll include this link. Warning: This article (titled, “Deadly Animals: 11 Amazing Facts about Koala Bears) is kinda PG-13, bordering Rated-R. But seriously, after the way Koala Bear #1 treated me, I deem it fair and necessary that we all poke a little fun at them, since he wouldn’t poke his damn claws into my chest the first time around. Rude Koala Bear #1, just rude.